Welcome to The Mental Arena, a newsletter where I share mental performance tools and pressure-tested insights to help you build confidence, strengthen your focus, and develop the mindset to win—in sport and life.

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The Courage to Lose Loudly

read time 6 minutes

Everyone wants to win quietly. But sometimes the bravest thing you can do…is lose loudly.

I never want this newsletter to be just me, me, me. My vision is for The Mental Arena to be about us. And some of you have made that vision real.

Last week, I posted a prompt on Instagram. One of the responses came from a student who attended the recent Key Club International Convention in Disney World, where I delivered the closing keynote. He wrote:

That line stopped me. Not because of the loss. But because of the honesty. It reminded me of my own disappointments. The ones that still sting.

Losing multiple state championships in high school.
Not receiving the scholarship to the school I had dreamed of playing for as a little girl.
Talking to potential book agents and getting shot down.
Walking away from a high-profile speaking agency.
Moments where I gave everything, and still walked away “empty-handed.”

But here’s the thing: Our losses aren’t the same.

What I’ve lived, what I’ve learned, what I’ve lost is not what you’ve lived, you’ve learned, you’ve lost. What I felt, what you’ve felt, what you will feel from time to time in your life can’t be stuffed into one-size-fits-all Tupperware of disappointment.

The higher the hope, the deeper the sting. The more vivid the dream, the harder it is to let go.
And yet, those expectations are what pull us toward growth. Toward effort. Toward meaning.
It’s a double-edged sword, but one that every competitor carries.

Which brings me to two of the most common questions I get asked as a mental performance coach:

1. How do you stop feeling nervous before something big?
2. How do you deal with disappointment after you fail at something big?

Arena Skill: Mindset Reframes

If you’ve asked either of those questions, let me give you a standing ovation.
You’re stepping outside your Dead Zone and confronting a challenge that matters. That alone puts you in The Arena.

To answer the first question, let’s start with a mindset shift:

When you’re nervous, it’s usually your physiology that strikes first—racing heart, shallow breath, jolt of adrenaline. These sensations can easily trigger a psychological spiral. That’s when the inner poison kicks in.

When you’re standing on the edge of something important, your body is preparing to meet the moment. And what you choose to focus on in that moment—that’s what determines your response.

Nerves? They’re not weakness. They’re energy. They’re passion. If you’ve ever seen me speak, you’ve seen this slide:

Even the greats feel it:

• Tiger Woods once said, “I always feel pressure. If you don’t feel nervous, that means you don’t care about how you play. I care about how I perform. I've always said the day I'm not nervous playing is the day I quit.”
• Rod Stewart sang his entire first U.S. performance hiding behind a stack of speakers.
• Andrea Bocelli admits he battles stage fright every time he steps on stage—and simply walks through it anyway. And for those who don't know, Andrea is blind.
• Chloe Kim, Olympic snowboarder, opened up about the emotional toll of competition. “I'm not gonna lie, I had probably one of the worst practices I've ever had, which does not put you in a good place mentally, especially out here,” she said at the 2022 Winter Games. “So I was dealing with all sorts of emotions and self-doubt. But when I was getting ready to drop in I just reminded myself that it's a brand new run and I just have to land it now.” Even as the reigning gold medalist, nerves and doubt didn’t disqualify her—they humanized her. And she still went on to land one of the most iconic runs in halfpipe history.

Contrary to what you read online, being nervous doesn’t mean you’re not prepared. It often means you care.

That’s why I teach my athletes to reframe how they see pressure. Here are a few of my go-to swaps:

(Reply “Pressure Reframes” to this email if you want the downloadable PDF.)

Mental Lesson: When You Lose

Now, let’s address the second question: How do you respond to failure?

For that, I’ll borrow wisdom from Hall of Fame coach Pat Riley,

Riley did a lot of winning. As a player, coach, and executive, Riley has been part of 19 NBA Finals appearances with the Lakers, Knicks, and Heat, of which nine ended in championships.

If you’ve gone after something big—and missed—it means you’re competing. You’re in The Arena.
​That’s where growth lives. But so do vulnerability, judgment, and heartbreak.

This metaphor of The Arena comes from Theodore Roosevelt’s iconic 1910 speech:

Dr. Brené Brown picked up that baton. In her work, The Arena represents any space where you show up and risk being seen:

• Speaking your truth.
• Going for the role.
• Shooting the final shot.
• Showing up after heartbreak.

The cost of entry is steep. And most people aren’t willing to pay it. Because our inner critic? It’s ruthless. It convinces you that you should’ve been better, tougher, perfect. But The Arena was never about perfection. It’s about presence.

So if you’ve fallen short, good. It means you dared.

A couple of weeks ago, Faith Kipyegon attempted to become the first woman to run the mile in under 4 minutes. She finished six seconds shy of her goal. Was it a failure? Not if you ask Faith.

And what did Faith do the following week? She broke her own world record at 1,500 meters.

And now, the question becomes: How will you choose to rise?

Next Rep: Fuel for the Climb

This week’s reps:

• Recall a time you stepped into The Arena and didn’t get the result you wanted.
• Write down 3 things you gained from the experience.
• Identify what fear stopped you from trying again, or what self-talk needs to shift.

Then, reframe it:

“I’m such a failure.” → “I showed up.”
“I lost.” → “This experience will make me better.”
“I’m not good enough.” → “I’m not done yet.”

Final Buzzer

The Mental Arena isn’t just about winning titles or chasing perfection.

It’s about choosing courage when comfort would be easier.
It’s about betting on yourself when the outcome is unknown and the odds against you succeeding are astronomical.
It’s about standing in the spotlight — heart pounding, hands shaking — and saying: “I’m still going.”

That student who didn’t win the election?
He still wrote the speech.
He still stood in front of his peers.
He still reached for something bigger than himself.
He paid the price of vulnerability... and showed up anyway.
And that’s where real growth begins.

Don’t measure your worth by an external scoreboard.
Don’t wait until you feel “ready.”
Don’t hide behind perfection or polish.

Instead:

That’s what makes you dangerous.
And that’s what puts you in The Arena.

What’s one moment where you lost loudly—but grew stronger because of it?
​Hit reply. I’d love to hear from you.

Challenging you head-on and always in your corner,
​— Coach VJ

Thanks for reading. Your next issue of The Mental Arena drops August 5th.

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Resources:

The Confidence Blueprint Online Course